Anxiety and Finding Your Being Place

Anxiety and finding your being place: episode 18

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I’ve really had my heart to share this lately and so i’m skipping a few episodes in order to share this with you today.

As we get older, and experience more, we have things we think won’t let go of us, or maybe we won’t let go of.


I can tell you again and again how thankful i am to be in the place i am, but there’s still scars, like we all experience. And i don’t ever want to surpass some of the things we all may deal with simply with encouraging words, because the truth is, the encouraging words aren’t always the ones that stick with us and make the most impact if we don’t understand the scars behind them. I know i feel much more connected to people when they start to open up and share their vulnerable parts of their heart.

I’ve struggled with depression at two different times in my life- both were labeled by professionals as situational depression, and then more recently a few years ago with mild anxiety. Although to be honest, at times it doesn’t feel mild. There are so many kinds of anxiety so i’m not going to pretend to understand each attack, thought, moment, or hardship. I know for me i’ve only had a few attacks where i couldn’t breathe and ended up curled on the floor, they now normally come in waves where i get shivering cold, my hands turn purple and i cant’ focus on anything but the thing that is in my brain and making me anxious and it feels so overwhelming. And unfortunately very few people know how to respond to me because i’m still learning the response that helps me.

I'm not telling you this for any sort of recognition or feeling bad- through these things, i’ve received a softer heart, understanding, and because i’m on the other side sharing my encouragement, i hope it resonates with you too- that the encouragement is coming from a place directly from my heart- because i’ve been there.

There’s not a lot that’s worked for me- as far as how to get through it. once i’m through the attack part, i need time to settle down. Now i know little things that help. For me, it’s hot showers to both put me at ease and also warm me back up- it’s the only thing that warms me up during those moments. it’s confronting whatever it is, and talking about it until the person i’m speaking with has heard me repeat myself probably several times.

But recently, as the beaches opened back up- i felt compelled to sit and be. You probably know i am an avid believer in journaling, reading, and all things self help but as much as i can dive into a book and get through some difficulties, i realized there was still noise for me there. I could still get distracted by what i should be doing, so i biked to the beach- my book, journal and me. i walked for a bit and then made myself sit sunglasses over my eyes so i knew when i’d drift off into a world it wouldn’t make me wonder what people thought i was doing and i knew the tears would come and i wanted to allow them too. And this, this was my place to be. not my place of doing.

you may not be a believer in God, but i am so that’s where i started, simple prayers. And even if you don’t believe in Him, mediation is an exercise practiced by so many and used to ease the heart and mind and get connected to those inner thoughts you sometimes don’t know are there. I’m telling you this because for the first time in years- since i had anxious thoughts, i was able to let go. I told God out loud (but quiet as i WAS on the beach) that if these anxious thoughts are real- let them be known to be. Allow them to be shown in a real way that what i’m feeling is true- otherwise Lord- they’re yours. i can’t handle these, and i know you can. And i cried. i felt relieved. Alone completely alone in my thoughts, scary and vulnerable and in an instant, not so alone- in fact the wind felt warmer, and i could see more clearly that i had other things i wasn’t letting go of in order to be used in a bigger plan than i could have seen before handing my worries over. I think we all have plans and purposes in this life and i want to always be a vessel used for that, but sometimes we get in our own way. Our path leads us elsewhere and we then try to pave it ourselves, instead of letting go and just allowing an opportunity, even one we aren’t sure of yet. i can’t explain the relief i felt those nights and i spoke out loud to give them over to the one i believe in, so i don’t have to hold onto them, but even if you don’t struggle with anxiety, i really hope you try finding your being place to allow to let go- of hurt, worries, thoughts, and what you thought life should be.

Work hard, oh yes work hard at what you’re doing, but open your heart to a path that may not be your first intention. May the road you’re on now is leading to where you need to be, experiences so you can get there with more knowledge, love, and maybe a softer heart.

i sat there for a while in the sand with my thoughts, failures, successes, decisions. It was beautiful and awful and vulnerable and overwhelming and yet i felt closer to God- knowing the plans i knew were on my heart years ago were still written for me. They weren’t forgotten about, and i felt the same purpose i felt years ago, sitting in my basement, praying.

Finding my being place, wasn’t hard but i think it was timing. The place where i am completely alone just in my thoughts. i’m not able to run down to this place everyday- although what a healing experience it would be- Im trying for once a week. I thought maybe i had pushed this being place away because i was scared in some of my decisions, my road.

i looked at the sunset that night, felt the wind, and looked at the crashing waves. Thought about how beautiful life is but so full of joy along with pain. if we dwell only in the sorrow, we overlook the sparks of joy. Especially because the sparks of joy sometimes seem so small in comparison to the waves of pain that crash.. like the waves. i looked at the sun for some answers and found it hiding behind the clouds only concluding my thoughts about sparks of joy.

but those sparks light up my soul revealing who i am. Though they may be small moments, they make huge impacts, and being ready to be used for purpose felt right again. A quote that caught me was “every time you pretend to be less than you are- you steal permission from other women to exist fully.” Those small and large moments make you exactly who you are, and i want us all as women to step into that, not slinking back or pretending to be less and claiming it’s humility. You bold and strong and have a beautiful heart and stepping into that is exactly what will help women step into theirs, allowing them to take on confidence too.

we’re never done learning, connecting to our own hearts, and allowing ourselves permission to feel, understand, and cry too. It may look like sitting in the sand, hiking in the mountains, sitting on your porch. There are places we all feel more connected to ourselves and something higher, and if you haven’t been doing that- i can only explain how healing it is and eye opening to my own heart.

I continue to learn if i’m able to let go of my worries, and give them to God, they fade away. I don’t have to hold onto them, someone else is for me. It reminds me of writing things down. instead my journal you’ll find about 15 sticky notes, and what i’ve found researching people who write things down is- when you write down your thoughts, your grocery lists, your to do lists, you’re able to relieve that brain space for more important things, you can let go. And i notice as soon as i don’t have to hold onto to something- i’m able to think on deeper more meaningful things in life- the same goes for giving up those worries to God. They’re written, they’re someone else’s to hold and you don’t need to continue to grip them so tightly and gives me permission for productivity in life where i had thought i lost it.

Anxiety is a scary thing. And maybe it won’t be that easy, but i can tell you it’s the first time i could feel my heart calm, i stopped shivering, and i could be productive where before i’d spend the whole day drowned in that particular thought, paralyzed by whatever was making me feel anxious.

i’m giving myself permission to breathe again. And in this alone spot, after the first moments of feeling completely alone in the world, i start to feel loved, heard, and connected again. There are days i sit there and it’s not a scary place alone in my thoughts- it’s purpose filled and i see the waves kissing the sane instead of crashing.

As i do these things, i think about kids. I hope to have kids, and when i do i want to pass down by my actions the things that keep my heart steady, knowing i’m whole all alone as a woman, and healing my heart is a practice. i want them to know how to connect, feel loved by God in their being place, and know they have great purpose.

i read these words “its impossible to trust and control at the same time” and as a person who likes to control most things around me- i realized this was speaking directly to me. I have to not just understand but feel and know that i can trust God, and although i know i’m called to work hard, i have to trust and not simply control my purpose.

im not saying spend all your time alone- in fact having a tribe of women (you know the ones, you recognize almost instantly when you meet them) is so important for healing, growing, and connection like we all desire. But when it’s the end of the day, and you have only you- i want you to feel still loved, heard, and connected. Keep Shining