How to encourage a loved one, advice, and truth behind a change
DIVORCE: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE PAIN, ADVICE, AND HOW TO ENCOURAGE A LOVED ONE.
Shine POdcast EP 8
Divorce. Never a word I thought would describe one of my life experiences, but then again who really expects it?I want to share goodness and encouragement, free goodies and uplifting content, but I want to be real with you- to give you insight on how to help someone, and how to heal when you’re alone in that quiet painful place.
This word can bring up so many mixed emotions, feelings, and quite frankly unwanted responses from people- especially from the people who never have been through it- they tend to have the most “advice.” It’s an incredibly sensitive subject and one i hope you never have to experience if you haven’t been through it.
most of the opinions of this subject tend to come from people who haven’t been through it, and if you’ve been following me- you know i went through one. As much as i want to share that goodness, i want to connect with you on a real level and vulnerability is the best way to do that. I hope to give you some tidbits on how to encourage others in this, things you can do to move forward, and encouragement in the midst that your fire isn’t out, it’s still there- even through the darkest of times.
Though my experience has been that friends and family tell me “i don’t believe in divorce” or “have you tried counseling” as their “Advice” i hope the same doesn’t go for you. I prefer a simple.. i’m sorry. especially since i’d snap back and tell them i don’t believe in it either, and yet here we are. and i DID try counseling.. any other earth shattering advice you’d like to give though you weren’t asked?
My divorce ended a while ago and now is part of my life experience so much so that i add it to my little answer to why i moved to PCB Florida chat. and the reaction i get from strangers though seemingly unemotional is MUCH better in my opinion than the judgemental opinions. strangers tend to say “MEH, the first one doesn’t count anyway.” Which honestly makes me feel more seen and heard than the unwanted advice from friends and family who weren’t there in the thick of pain with me. those judgemental remarks i could see across their face as one of the worst things i could possibly do in life- and believe me i thought so for a while.
but i searched for long time married couples to do my own research even in the midst of my divorce and i found this. i’d rather it end now then at 80 look back over life and think it should’ve ended years ago. which to my surprise, several people have said “not me.” interesting they believe in an unhealthy marriage over divorce. and as much as another opinion that’s often stated “i miss the olden days where people fixed it and stayed together. “ i found in my research that the reason many stayed together was lack of independence, or for the sake of the children, and really living a completely broken unhealthy marriage. no thank you.
i’m not going to tell you every detail about my divorce, many of you know about it, and the rest should just know it ended. i still respect and believe in him greatly. and if it had to end, then that’s the best way it could’ve. i know it’s not possible for everyone, but i hope you can- because that is the persona you chose even if for a time, so respecting and showing kindness is the least that should happen.
we can’t gloss over the pain. every person’s looks differently but there’s a common theme- extreme heartache and i guess there should be, unfortunately. You were tied emotionally and ow you have to undue everything you thought was going to last forever. it hurts no matter the situation, and we handle that process differently. but the only way to heal is to allow yourself the hurt, emotions, sadness, and move through it- never around it. it’s not easy, and so many people don’t do that work which just leads to baggage you bring into your next relationship. i cannot stress this enough, i’ll talk about it day in and out- you must allow yourself to grieve, because that’s what it is. you’re grieving the loss of a relationship and status you thought was going to look vastly different in life. i can’t promise you a timeline and it will be extremely hard to work through, but healing is worth it. you’re worth it. get a mentor, counseling, reading, and lot of days of tears and sadness.
if there’s a woman left, even a the trace of one- still there inside the grumbling, it can be brought to life again. if there’s one wee spark under all of those ashes, we’ll blow on it until the whole pile is red and Clear. -C.S.Lewis
Even though my divorce has been finalized for a while, i realize what a deep impact it had on me, because the more i share the more tender hearted i become for men and women who are in the same place. tears still fall as i share my heart and i know i’ll continue to heal and see my strengths through it.
i’m not an encouraging divorce in face, i wish more people could put down their egos and pride and really work on the love and life they built together even through the trying times. and i still ache when i hear about other people going through divorce.
it’s not a quick emotional pain- most aren’t. it’s years of pain before you sign the papers going through every thought first. it’s the healing still after it’s signed.
ADVICE to encourage loved ones
the intentionally good but actually terrible “everything happens for a reason” and “it’ll get better” skips past the pain. it’s not hearing and listening and sitting with the person who needs just to be in that place. and i don’t believe everything happens for a reason. i believe we can MAKE good out of something, but that’s not the same.
Instead simply say i’m sorry and it’s hard. and if you’re close with this person- check in, show love, affirmations when you see progress, and don’t expect too much back.
allow them to be in that pain but the minute they’re ready, you’ll be there to help them stand up.
Advice for the person in pain(when you’re ready)
1- books books books. i’m leaving some encouraging ones that helped me in this episode. allow yourself to cry, and then journal your feelings and write down quotes you love.
2-mentor- get someone you trust and will just listen until you’re ready for advice. whether it’s a friend, a parent, counselor, but this is important so you’re not carrying the burden alone.
3-working out. a tricky one, listen to your body. Push yourself when you can, and listen and relax when. you know that’s best.
4- activities that bring you joy. this is another tricky one. get down to the beach, mountains, shop. but only on days you know it’ll be something good for you.
5- food. people either tend to over or under eat, but just make sure to get some nutrient dense food- it’ll help with energy
6- give yourself grace. in everything: friends, work, home.
remember to give yourself permission to cry
this is a little more serious of a subject and maybe not as light hearted. but i wanted you to remind you to shine, and when it’s dull and difficult, that light is still there, underneath all of what you’re feeling. You may feel dim but the light is not burnt out, women not only feel deeply they are so resilient. they are resilient with their bodies in birth, and their hearts can continue to be soft and vulnerable after hurt and loss. such a beautiful strength that i think women have a better understanding of, so if you’re down, you are resilient, Keep shining.
KEEP SHINING
